Four Thousand Weeks is an incredible amount of time, in fact as of yesterday I’ve only been alive for 1095.9 weeks which is just over a quarter of the time described and it feels odd to count a lot of the early years as I was developing and didn’t have the agency to make many of my own decisions. I wasn’t hit by the cultural pressure to maximize every moment because my moments were already maximized by the milestones one reaches in early childhood. Things like walking and speaking.
I’m lucky in a way that my parents have never stressed an attempt to c
ontrol time, they’ve always encouraged me to spend my time as I see fit. To do what I enjoy and simply push further than they are in life. My mom works incredibly hard for one main reason, so I don’t have to. She wants me to be able to focus on my schooling and my passions, and she works so hard for that to happen.
The most pressure I ever fell into where I felt like I really had to make the most of every second of every day was done to myself. My first two years of college I worked about 40 hours a week on top of being in school full time and attempting to hang out with my friends constantly. I felt like I had no time to waste, I had to get ahead, I had to make sure my moms effort wasn’t being wasted. And I felt myself burning out, my grades suffered for it, my work suffered for it, and I suffered for it.
 |
| Even on Relatively Fun Days I think you can see how tired I was |
I felt completely trapped by the idea of the grind the idea that I should be working that hard and that if I can just tank through that strife then I can come out the end way sooner and way better than I would have going at my own pace. But I couldn’t escape the burnout, I was moving too fast. Doing too much.
I felt like I sho
uld and it wasn’t until a very very long conversation with my mom that I determined that I don’t need to do that. Anytime I wasn’t actively grinding, when I was resting I Felt this guilt like I was being lazy or throwing away my moms effort. I had to take the time to make my plans as intentions and to embrace uncertainty. I had to make sure that I understood I needed to go at my own pace and that wanting certainty would only cause me anxiety. The most I can ever do is my best.
 |
| Absolutely Dead Eyes, and I loved my Job. |
I still struggle with this idea, the idea that I’m not doing by best because I have done so much before. And it took me a long time to come to terms with the idea that rest is a PART of me doing by best. And not something that stops me from doing my best.
I also had to remind myself that gaining life and world experience is just an important as a paycheck when I can swing it. Making the time after I’d saved up to take me and 2 friends to New York just because we could and to make the most of it and it’s something we talk about all the time. Being able to go on a beach vacation with my large friend group again just because we can, it improves life so much and by being happier and being rested my work quality is so much higher it’s insane.
 |
| We <3 NYC |
stressed by every step on the way there that I lose sight of my feet and trip.
 |
| The picture of just the guys for the beach trip. #mogged |
I’ve had to accept that my time in this world is limited and that’s something I understand. I need to make the most of the time I do have, I think it’s something that I learned a lot from talking with my parents because as proud as they are of me I don’t believe they are truly happy. It hurts to know I’m somewhat of a cause of that because I do have higher ambition that they instilled into me to go beyond the station they became trapped in in life. They push me to go further however because of that their time is dedicated to work and rest. They work the entire day and return home exhausted and aren’t able to find much that they want to do with their time.
 |
| Me and Cutter for Halloween |
It took me time to get past the guilt or the idea that it is my fault that they do that. Not that they’ve ever even implied something like that but because of my own doubts being pushed forward that I began to feel that way. Now I make it a point to intentionally experience every moment of my life, even writing this out within the last hour of it being available because my friends decided they wanted to take me out last night for my birthday so I wasn’t able to get this completed any earlier.
My friends have been such a saving grace throughout, even when I was so tired they always encouraged my to go out with them. There's no one on the earth I love more than my friends, they are genuinely amazing and always have been.
 |
| The Happy Fits (My favorite band) Concert Recently |
No comments:
Post a Comment