Chapter 12 affection

 Bertrand says that one of the main causes for lack of zest is the feeling of being unloved. And he says that to the contrary the feeling of being loved promotes zest more than anything else. 

He says that a man may feel unloved for a variety of reasons because of his character and that he knows he's not worth loving or maybe his childhood was lacking love in some way; or that he felt less loved maybe then a brother or sister. 

He is a little man who feels this way reflects it in a variety of ways such as trying too hard to win affection of others for one. And I agree with him that it is human nature to give love More readily to those who demanded it least (speaking of the man that he describes that tries to win affection through exceptional acts of kindness.) Although that fact is unfortunate it is also true and so this is actually a discussion that I've already had with my son to help him in his future relationships. I didn't teach him that he should just be a jerk to women or anything; on the contrary, I have taught him to be a gentleman and to open the door for ladies and to show acts of kindness towards a girl that you like; I have just taught him that there needs to be a extent and a balance to how you distribute those acts of kindness and love. And of course I explained to him why, which was similar to what the author is saying here, that sometimes is acts of kindness can be overwhelming to your significant other, and can lead them to value your love for less than what it's really worth. So I have taught him that you have to show a girl attention if you like her but basically not spoil her with it. That love is a give and take. That you have to give some; and then wait for her to give some back. And like bertrands said neither side can be demanding of it. 

Bertrand goes on to discuss the feeling of security, and that those who feel more secure are generally more happy. He also discusses fear and how if you're in a dangerous situation the person who feels less fear is usually the one to make it out safely. But says that it's actually affection that we receive and not the affection that we give, that is attributable to the sense of security one receives from affection, towards life and it's obstacles. I agree with him 100%, that the greatest sense of security and zest for life, arises most of all when that affection is reciprocal. 

I think he's also correct in saying that a child who is well loved by his parents, begins to accept their affection as a law of nature. This is also a discussion that I've had with my son. I have seen both him and his friends at times do this, in forgetting to appreciate the parent that does so much for them (from time to time.) It's not something that young minds usually stop to think of, so I just wanted him to be aware of the fact, that sometimes when you come to expect love from someone, you can subconsciously forget to appreciate their efforts in some things; because I believe it's important for him to be aware not only of the fact that I love him; but aware of the fact that there are less fortunate children who don't have the satisfaction of feeling loved by their parents every day, and to be considerate of the other persons feelings, and to not to forget to be thankful for the unconditional love that he and his friends are fortunate to have. Actually having that discussion with him, I do believe had a positive impact on him. He's a wonderful kid, and very considerate of the feelings of others. And if he sees me struggling with something, like for instance carrying in the groceries; he stops to think about what I'm contributing to our family, and offers to lend a helping hand. 

And I definitely see eye to eye with the author on the type of affection a child receives from their parent being a deciding factor and the effect it will have on encouraging the adventurousness within them which is vital, I believe, for a successful and happy adulthood. He says the affection should be robust rather than timid, and then it should desire from the child excellence even more so than their safety. I couldn't agree more. A mother who is continuously showing the child to be scared of everything in life, or being weirdly possessive of them, or depending upon the child to basically raise them (take care of the responsibility that the parent should be taken care of,) is by no means the right route for encouraging that adventurousness; and is not the ingredients for creating a confident adult, that feels secure in themselves, in their relationships, and strives for excellence, with a strong sense of morality. These are the things which I try to instill in my child, and matter most to me for him to take from his childhood.

He says men whose mother's were lacking certain maternal qualities look for those qualities in their significant others. I think that this is true and that when a couple can both discovered those qualities in each other, that their hearts desired most, and when that feeling of admiration and love is reciprocal, that can actually be one of the strongest bonds of all. 

He also goes on to talk about how fear is often camouflaged by possessiveness. And that a lot of times men are more attracted to timid women because in protecting them they tend to feel some kind of ownership over them. This could be true to an extent. 

He describes sex as one of the greatest shows that life has to offer. He says that women tend to love men for their character whereas men often love women based more upon their appearance. Again I think this could have some truth but only to an extent. 

But he can't think that that is completely true in every case either, as he goes on to describe two different kinds of love that a person can give intimately; one of which has an essence of fear, which is not desirable; and the one that he describes as given out of love for someone's intrinsic qualities, which he describes this time as the most important expression of zest for life. 

And he says that the best type of affection is reciprocal life-giving, where each receives affection with joy and gives it without effort and each finds the whole world more interesting, as the consequence of the existence of this reciprocal happiness. And I agree with him that obstacles the psychological and social to the blossoming of this type of reciprocal affection are a grave evil! It is very sad and unfortunate for such a love to be intruded upon, especially since it is obviously very hard for this type of love to be found. Not everyone finds it in life, unfortunately; but it shouldn't be taken from those who do.

In my 38 years of life I have experienced two types of love that he describes. The love where the other person takes desperate efforts to win my affection; and the other, was the reciprocal one. And he's right, that feeling of loving someone, and knowing that their love for you is reciprocal, can create a zest for life unlike any I've ever experienced; and it can diminish fear; and it does create a feeling of security, and confidence; and promotes an interest in the world; and in my opinion puts a spark in talents, and passions that may have already lived in you.